I have written many books, ten of them got published, some are still waiting. But at my age, I am very aware of the fact that I have to write my autobiography (AB) as soon as possible.
As I was looking at my 80+ diaries, I realized that I used my diaries to work out my emotional problems, record lovers quarrels, shyly describe love making. I also put there my media appearances, topics of my researches, parties and addresses I had to find.
Sometimes very important things get just a single line as it was with my Tarot arrest. I simply wrote “busted.” Behind that of course was a storm of activity, meetings that followed, friends came forward, money was raised, and given to attorneys, plans were hatched.
Along the way my personal life was changing. My short three weeks vacation had turned into a lifelong residence in California. And every so often I went back to Budapest to refuel.
Even back then I was already writing my AB, in little snippets. I wrote about my parents to purge them, to understand them better and me in relationship with them. The distance has helped me a lot. I was not an abused child, but I was an ignored child. Since I was also the only child for the first 13 years of my life, you would have thought that would afford me more attention from my parents. Not so. I felt that I was always a burden.
During the war when I was a toddler, during the bombings, I caught every childhood disease there was. I remember the whooping cough as the worst. I used to say between fits of coughing, “Oh my god, this sickness is going to kill me.” It didn’t.
After the war, my parents just farmed me out to peasant families in the countryside where there was food. Here my life got better. I had for the first time seen a goat and her kid, drank warm goat milk, and picked chamomile flowers for teas all day. I felt productive.
These are pictures that do come independently, imprinted deep in my soul.
A lot of important things just fall away if not asked about it.
But now as I am sitting at my computer, Lady Mac, I wonder how can I recall all of it?
I have already decided that the first five years included everything already that was important for the rest of my life.
And feminism that gave birth and gave me my wings, was really churning between ‘65 and ‘75. Afterwards it was all backlash, which lasted 40 years now. My 1975 included most of my sowing the seeds of my victories. Not harvesting, no, but 1972/73/74/75 are my essential story; if I want to track my life on feminism.
But is that all that gave meaning to my life? How about the magical evenings on top of the Big Rock Mountain in Malibu?
I am excited about writing my AB when I flash on another episode.
But I am alone. No body is stimulating my mind to recall.
I need you to become my muse. This writing is very much harder than the normal magic books I have written. This is all personal. This I have lived. This I like to tell.
Think… ask me questions you would like to read about in my autobiography. Please. I will take those questions and contemplate them and write them.
Otherwise I don’t know how I’ll get through this highly personal job.
Help!
Z Budapest 