The Lost Consciousness in the Abbey

Imagine a beer company, toying with ideas of how to get ahead in these times with their beer product and coming up with a “Halloween” idea.

–Hey guys why don’t we show on our label a sexy young woman, a witch, burning at the stake, but  as if  she “enjoyed” it? Her mouth open like crying out, or like….

The suits get excited.

–Yeah, it could be fun, a little S/M? Just a hint of it.

–No! No! That won’t be good. The witches will get angry at us.

–So? How many witches drink beer? They don’t buy expensive beer… do they?

–That’s not the point. The witches get angry, they can retaliate. Put out a Hex on us.

–I think it’s just the opposite! If they protest, they will bring attention to our beer nationwide! A kind of publicity we could never buy!

The room falls silent, and the men think real hard about this.

Meantime the offending label is drawn and attached to bottles of beer. The picture of the beer bottle is published, and the men forget about their meeting.

A few months later.

Sage the media person is reporting.

-Well we were right! The women were very offended, the witches were furious! This is huge publicity. We made the NY Times! I promised them a mea culpa, and that we change the label, we didn’t know it was so evil. Sorry.

–You promised them we change the label?

–No! No! We’ll stall them… say we agree, it’s bad. We made a mistake. That would pacify the witches, fortunately they are reasonable people. They would wait if we meant what we said, by that time our beer is distributed everywhere!  There are many beer drinking men who would love to get a buzz and watch a young bosomy girl burned at the stake. And we draw all the faces who are watching her die, watch emotionless like in a movie house.

–Yeah like a snuff movie!

As long as the beer drinking men still buy it.

Another woman in the room now speaks up.

–Hmmm…if I may say something, it would be better that I deal with all the incoming protest.

The men all agree.

–Yes, you should. The witches would believe you more than us.

–I think we should tell them we are setting up a “contest” for the next beer label. Let them all go to their artists and urge them to send us alternative images. This will easily take months. We can always say we never found the winner; it was just not good enough. So we’ll keep the young witch burning at the stake.

–You are right. Let the woman do that.

–There is one problem left.


–Z Budapest is talking about making our beer taste “funny” if we don’t take down the offensive label.

–Who is she?

–She normally just hexes serial killers and rapists. She is successful with those.

–She is going to hex our beer?

–Yes. She and her witches will sour the taste of beer, it will turn into vinegar.  She will make it unlucky for anybody to drink it. She is talking about a serious case of ED, incurable by Viagra.

–Witches can do that?

–She and her witches brought down serial killers?

–Yes. Several times.

A new silence descends on the room. The men are worried a little.  They won’t let it show, but the seed of their fright will grow as the days grow shorter.

The suits get angry.

–How stupid are these women? Can’t they understand that this is our branding? Bet they didn’t read the back label with our story of the struggle between good and evil? Our beer has satire! There is a catholic church in the background! Our owner is a recovering Catholic! How much more can we provide?

One woman who has been silent speaks now.

–Our satire sucks. Nobody laughs at woman being tortured.  Nobody reads the back of labels. Morality words about the struggle of good and evil has nothing to do with beer.

— This is not good.  What can we do about it? How can we stop her?

–By stopping the label. And dump the T shirts. The woman suggests timidly worrying that she is going to lose her job.

— She said the spell is only in place as long as we sell woman hatred with alcohol.

–After all this publicity, the taste of the beer will also be very public. Vinegar!

–I got it! Why don’t we have our own people taste the beer and write about it as “wonderful.”

–And get ED? Are you out of your mind? I wouldn’t do that to our friends!

As I said, let’s stick to beer.

Boycott The Lost Abby